A Blonde & Her Thermos

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?"

The helpful store clerk responds, "Why, it's a thermos."

Still curious, the blonde asks, "What does it do?"

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," replies the clerk.

So she buys one....

The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.

Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What's that shiny thingy?"

She replies with authority, "It's a thermos."

"Oh," says he, "And what's it do?"

"Well," says she, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?"

"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle"(Ice cream or water-ice on a small wooden stick).

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

This Is Good!

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you!"

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

Killer English

1. Class teacher once said: "pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!"

2. once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

3. dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down...

4. it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said "why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

5..teacher in a furious mood... write down ur name and father of ur name!

6. "shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

7. My manager started like this "Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

8. "I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board "will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

9. LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

10. Chemistry HOD comes and tells us... "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

11. Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

12."why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

13. Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand?

14. Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

15. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... ..so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.

16. I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

17. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

 And that's how the fight started.

18. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?

19. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out  of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,  'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.

20. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

The Sunday Paper!

"Where is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as she was heard to mutter, "Well, that's why no one was at church today!"

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

Anybody Home?

A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?"

A child's voice answered, "Yep."

"Is your father there?"

"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."  

"Well, is your mother there?"

"Nope, Ma left just before I got here."

"Are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

Getting Up Late!

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in he morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

 "Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

The Electric Chair

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government Institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

A Visit To The Vet

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Source unknown

V. Shrinivas (Seenu

Learning To Spell!

My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D"

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla’?"

V. Shrinivas (Seenu

2 Skits

1. The Referee's Phone!

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees,  saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

2. Can Someone Help Me

All my husband wanted was to pay for some batteries, but none of the clerks in the electronics store seemed interested in helping him.

"I've got an idea," I said, and pulled a tape measure out of my purse. I stepped over to one of the giant plasma-screen TVs and started to measure it.

Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. "May I help you?" he asked breathlessly.

"Yes," I said. "I'd like to buy these batteries."

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

Girlfriends' Lunch Out!

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were very good looking.

Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

The Antique Chair

A Century Old Dining Chair

When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement,

he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy -- an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.

"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."

"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

4 Men & A Car!

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a Chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" They asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it.

V. Shrinivas (Seenu)

Making A Man!

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me," replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God. "Get your own dirt."

V.Shrinivas (Seenu)